Well, after much deliberation, brain-aching and general malaise, I am finally over the border!
Okay, I've only made it to Dollar so far (it's in Clackmannanshire, near Stirling, which is in Stirlingshire. Are you following this?) but I'm on me bloody way.
This is Robin and Julie's lovely cottage in Dollar complete with - and you may want to sit down before looking to the top left of the photo - blue sky. That's right, blue sky. There's quite a lot of blue sky in Scotland, but don't tell everyone or they will all be up here. Bloody sassenachs!
As you'll know, I've come up to Scotland to get away from it all and somehow sew together all the crazy ideas, lines and concepts in my head. What will come out at the end will either be a few well-crafted short stories, a play or two and an autobiography, or a complete load of mentalism that would get me an express, access-no-areas pass into Rampton, or some other secure institution.
My intention was not to start writing until I was settled in one place. The very idea that I could control my creativity, turning it on and off at will, is akin to shrieking that the Earth is flat until your eyes bleed. So, with a hoarse voice and gently mopped, slightly bloodshot eyes I offer you my blog - a tattered mishmash of random thoughts and rants.
Talking of rants - why is it that groups of schoolgirls have to randomly scream as if they are being attacked by a shark while popping to the bakery? Just near Rob and Julie's house is Dollar Academy - one of Scotland's finest private schools. So naturally, of a lunchtime, gangs of pupils maraud around the village centre, trying to buy Red Bull and 10 Marlborough Lights from the Co-op. The lads just hang around in moody-looking groups, all strung out on their 'Kevin and Perry' ideals. But the girls? Jesus H Christ in a canoe, all they do is flit about like demented gazelles, wildly stabbing at their mobile phones, shrieking every time they get a text message which will no doubt be about either some lad in the Lower Sixth Form, or Justin Bieber: omg! JB is bamf lol cu l8r bff.
What? Put them all in the Grasmere Bin*
Ooh, that's better. There's nothing like a good old moan and I just love the way that my MacBook Pro agrees with everything I say. The world needs to catch up...
Over and out.
*Grasmere Bin: I did the Coast to Coast walk a few years back and stopped a while in Grasmere in the Lake District. So full was it of chocolate box houses, cutesy Wordsworth-themed cafes and tourists, that I just wanted to drop a Daisy Cutter on it...
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